Friday, November 11, 2016

Fish Hat Man and The New Identity


There has been good swell and hot weather all week and I've been watching from the beach or cliff. In true Endless Summer fashion most people were sure to tell me I "shoulda been here yesterday" once I paddled out.

There are many things that are hard about motherhood that I wasn't expecting--least of which was having bad hair days for over a year and probably most of which was trying to find myself again once my identity shifted, even though I've meant to and wanted to be a mother forever; even though I miss Avalon when I'm surfing and when she's sleeping.

On this wave there was a guy behind me, a guy who just got dropped in on by my friend Mike M. on another good wave. I didn't think he'd make the section, but he was fast on his retro fish. When we kicked out he gave me a big thumbs up and called over the sound of the waves and wind, "You were ripping!" I was shocked (and sorry and oddly validated).

I feel like in 30 years I could be a pretty good person, but I might not live that long so I need to try harder now; to do little things every day that make people feel like they matter and are seen and heard and loved. To be more of what I need when I'm sad or confused or lonely for other people when they are. To be like that guy in a fisherman's hat riding a fish who congratulated me even though the wave was his. I want all of that to be a part of my evolving identity too. 

I know I don't get to surf as much as I used to. Sometimes that even comes out to the psychologist I occasionally see, but I enjoy it more too (I mean it). I notice more now like how the cold water actually feels good and makes your heart beat slower so you can focus on just one thing; that a friend has grown a weird beard or gotten a new board with a black stringer. To notice that you're actually excited that your life has changed.

4 comments:

  1. "To notice that you're actually excited that your life has changed." That phrase is going to stick with me. I'm practicing being more present without judgment and it's tough. The transition to motherhood is ... interesting, weird, cool, and I could go on. I'm almost 7 months in and can never find the right words to describe my feelings so I appreciate when others, like you, help me. Cheers!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, without judgement, so tough. I'm working on the same and probably will be *forever*. <3

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  2. thank you for writing and sharing this. "to do little things every day that make people feel like they matter and are seen and heard and loved" - i'll try to be better on this too.

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