Friday, August 26, 2016

Talk Story

tuesday
thursday
Years ago I remember talking to a friend I met through the innerweb about why she stopped writing. She said she got tired of having a constant narrative running through her head. Funny, because I think that's my favorite part. I mean, I don't know how funny Avalon peeing on the lobby floor of the swim school in front of this proud and breathless schedule-controller would be without it. I know there's a part of it that's super self-important of me, but the other part of me knows there's nothing to do except talk it out and write it down. 

It's hard for me to find the time to put all this inner dialogue somewhere though, now that there's a sovereign yet entirely dependent little baby-planet orbiting around here writing her own stories. 

She thinks it's fabulous to open drawers and empty bookshelves and I think she's on to the fact that I don't. I'm trying to remember that it really is amazing that a blobby former alien-eyed fetus can now say "uck" and slam my hair-brush drawer. However, when she discovered how to lock and un-lock the car like a drunken robot I had to draw the line. She's not sure what to think of the garbage disposal yet, but she runs away from it like a ding-dong ditcher and then returns deliriously excited to see what I'm doing. The other day I was trying to send an email while she was awake (a rare and risky occurrence) and she brought me a frying pan. 

As a mom I think I'm usually somewhere in between: "I listen and watch and let my baby tell me what they're ready and not ready for" and "What the heck? You're a b-a-b-y, I'm the boss." But there there's also intensely awful moments of exhaustion and weakness when I think "Oh God, please don't hate me already, just say 'please' and you can have a Nutrigrain bar!"

Avalon's been waking up in the still dark hours of the morning lately just whaling and half the time I bring her into bed with us and the other half I do absolutely nothing except groan and roll over until she falls back to sleep minutes later. I never really feel good either way, but I always lay there wondering if I should start waking her up from her long naps and never enjoy leisurely shopping online mid-day again. Though, I'm semi-convinced that no matter what you do or how old your kids are, motherhood is just destined to leave you in a faint but constant state of exhaustion. 

I believe I can do it all: write, stay in shape, get better at surfing and skateboarding, raise a brave and compassionate child with good manners and a varied palette, cook healthy meals, keep the laundry bin from over-flowing, remember and commemorate everyone's birthday with surprising and thoughtful gifts and cards and wake-up without bags under my eyes. If there's no belief, there's no chance, or something like that, right? But yesterday I accidentally had melatonin gummies for breakfast, didn't respond to any emails and spent Avalon's afternoon nap painting a $7 chair a deep, moody blue. I also re-arranged the living room, getting rid of a comfortable chair that everyone I told said they'd miss. Maybe the only thing to say is that in the end you'll do it all, but in the moment you just have to do what you can. 

Fall is almost here and it makes me nervous and excited like when a friend says they're coming over. I can't wait for Avalon to really experience it this year. I can't wait to experience it as a family who isn't dealing with a current cancer diagnosis, although a part of me feels like that's a cloud that will never leave. But I clean and re-arrange and surf and buy tiny knee-high socks with foxes on them and garden and cook and celebrate family and friends and write down the stories from it all when I can. 

12 comments:

  1. You are an incredible mother and wife

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  2. You are an incredible mother and wife

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  3. Love your writing. Please don't stop sharing!

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    1. Thank you Megan! That means more than you know. It keeps me going.

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  4. I'm glad you keep up with your writing. Your record keeping. I can't imagine the busy a child brings. And I get all the easy rewards of drinking in your words, imagining your life, so different from mine. But most importantly, I am glad for 74 year old Devon, having her words and pictures to remind her of how it ALL counted. ~Andrea

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    1. Thank you Andrea. Wow this is thoughtful. I cannot even imagine being 74! But I do think you're right. I'll be glad (at least some of this) is here. <3

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  5. I could not relate to this more. You took so much of this from my own head. I love this!

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    1. You want the tiny fox socks, don't you?

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  6. everything you said was exactly how I was feeling this morning- Oh my word when will the laundry just stay finished!! And why must babies take all the things out the kitchen drawers! I love your house, makes me dream so hard of our own place here (new city living in someone else's apartment with their furniture- missing my things) but ah your house always looks so cool and peaceful! We're starting our first coastal summer here or I guess its spring and flip its so nice!! Also from your post below- how are you still carrying your girl, my kid is more than half my height and weighs a ton you must be way stronger than me haha I love a good shopping trolley.

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    1. Baby girl is tiny, but busy. Carrying her has been a saving grace. However, not for my spine. I've been putting her in the shopping cart lately and it has been nice! I like how you call it a trolley. It makes it sound more adventurous and helpful! Like the trolley from Mr. Roger's. I'm happy for you that you are near the coast. A place that dreams are made of in South Africa.

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  7. Nice reading your blog. This is a great article thanks for sharing this informative images. I have some images when I ride a Yocaher Longboard .

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