Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Everyday Adventures Through Colon Tunnels and Life

{dad and kevin}

Dear Self 20 Years From Now (and anyone else listening),

You had a colonoscopy last week. Everyone in the family was requested to after Maddie's diagnosis. It was like apple pie on the fourth of July, or it was like your insides becoming a tunnel for something that wasn't meant to fit. You tried to be awake during it because they said you'd have to "pump and dump" if you didn't and you didn't have any milk stored. You lasted about seven minutes before you took the drugs. You laid there breathing slowly and wondering if taking the drugs was actually quitting just like you did before you took the epidural with Avalon. You watched a TV screen playing a show that could have been called "The Terrible Tour Of My Colon". It was a lot like when you see footage of a deep sea rover looking for life or ship wrecks at the bottom of the ocean. It was black and bleak and there were haunted-looking, unrecognizable things passing by. It was more disgusting than fascinating. Thank goodness for the drugs and for not harping on yourself for making the choices you know are best. 

You don't have cancer. Praise every last bit of everything. You still felt sick afterwards knowing that your Maddie-girl-sister-friend, buddy for life, who gets all of your jokes and lives too far away even when she's just two hours north, got the opposite news only months before. Let's just keep believing that love conquers all. It must

Everyone that runs into you lately says how much you seem to be enjoying motherhood. That is 1,000% true. You are obsessed. It feels right like marrying Scott and paddling out with your dad and Danielle and Kevin in the sun in the summer. Sometimes when people say this though you almost feel guilty because in the beginning of your motherhood journey you were miserable and breathing weird and crying a lot and sometimes you still really fear that time in your life and that person you were then. You feel guilty it happened and for not telling everyone who sees you as this mother with a big smile and a happy baby you obsess over dressing and kissing and holding that it wasn't always this way. But maybe they can see that this happiness came from something hard and maybe that's why it's nice to appreciate and mention it. You read this quote the other day in Tiny Beautiful Things that you wanted to write down and tell all your friends and sisters...

"Nobody will protect you from suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal." ~Cheryl Strayed

You know this quote is true now and you also know you'll need to hear it again.

You're going on a family road trip soon. You and the kid and the husband and Basia and Phil. You're not even that anxious about it and you're pretty sure that has nothing to do with the medicine you're taking. Your stronger now because you took a small baby to San Francisco right after Maddie's diagnosis. You accidentally stayed in a hotel in the projects or the tenderloin or somewhere you'd recreate in a painting using almost no color.... and you figured it out. You still laughed with friends. You took her to Texas where she got the stomach flu and threw up on white carpet and had a bleeding rash that made her hysterical in the airplane bathroom. You are ready for this next adventure up to Humboldt and the Mad River and whatever it gives you. Summer is the season for adventure, after all, and summer is your favorite season of all. 

Love and love and love (to everyone),

{current summer playlist}


  1. Love the pictures of the waves!


  2. So thrilled you're in such a good place, and HEALTHY. I am so happy to hear that! I'm listening to your playlist and I love it. As I knew I would.

  3. Nice pic with mom and baby. Great photo shoot.


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