Thursday, February 18, 2016

A Hope and a Prayer



February 17th, 2016


Just a minute ago I looked at Avalon, awake on the baby monitor, babbling and standing up in her crib instead of sleeping. Then I looked around the house at all the little projects we’ve done to make it ours and I thought “Man, I love everything.... I’m so tired.”

I think about saying a quick prayer to God for Avalon to go back to sleep so that she is well rested for swimming and we can get to class a little early and give the card we made to our friends who are moving Utah. But then I think how awful it would be to say a prayer for that and not for Maddie.

I think about how last week, when my mom asked for prayers for her hairstylist who has ovarian cancer, instead of saying “Of course!” I said, “I barely ever talk to God anymore” and how it all just seemed so conventional and sad and selfish.

Then I look at my linen drapes blowing next to me in a soft, whisper wind and I think: “There is God,” so I say a prayer for Maddie to only have strength in place of cancer. Then, suddenly I look at the monitor and Avalon is laying tummy down, head cocked to the side, completely asleep. And now the drapes really are dancing around quite dramatically.

13 comments:

  1. p.s. sorry to everyone for not responding to comments lately! I thank you all so much for your encouragement and input and anecdotes etc. I'll try to be better xoxo

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  2. Love this post! it's so honest and real=)

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  3. How is Avalon so big already? Where is the time going - didn't you JUST have her :)

    I've been a bit angry with God as of lately... after losing my brother-in-law last year, in what seems to have been the most awful of circumstances, it really made me question my faith, and/or the man upstairs - I find it hard to believe that taking him was part of His plan etc.

    I've made peace with my anger, but your quote "I barely ever talk to God anymore" really resinated with me. I know He's there, and I know He will forgive me for feeling how I feel, I'm just not quite ready to forgive Him for taking my family's light so soon.

    oxoxo I hope that didn't come off as totally bitter, as I said, I've made my peace with my feelings. Just taking it all day by day.

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    1. I know, right? She's 8 months old tomorrow! What the heck?

      I'm so sorry about your brother-in-law. What you wrote about God really resonated with me too and the last part doesn't sound bitter at all. It's totally understandable and I get it. I just try to remember that I can't know the answers to some of my questions yet.

      Sending love your way!

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  4. Beautifully written Devon. I'm sending my very best wishes for Maddie, this is a very tough time for you all I think. I hope it's a good weekend. CJ xx

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    1. Thank you so much CJ. We appreciate them! <3

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  5. Scarred Faith by Josh Ross is a book that really speaks to the heart of contending with God when you are dealing with grief and real-world pain. It touched my heart. And if you're searching for something, it might touch yours too.

    As always, love your photography. :)

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    1. Thank you Rach. That is such a good idea. Books always bring me comfort. <3

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  6. Your post gave me goose bumps and made me feel teary because I know or feel or have experienced exactly what you were writing about.. My husbands mom got diagnosed in December & had her first surgery in Jan and now they say they have to take her whole kidney next year but that we have to wait a year because they don't think she would survive another surgery right now, I asked him how he feels about it and he says he really doesn't know, his mom is well everything... I don't really even know what to ask God sometimes but I just know, I can't look at my son without just trusting it will all be ok.. thank you for such an amazing post

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    1. Thank you for sharing so openly Carey. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. It's so hard when you have questions that don't have answers, I guess. I've always felt a strong connection to God, but I guess now that relationship is really being tested. I have to remember what I've always known and felt and not forget that we aren't supposed to understand everything while we're here. Sending love and healing vibes your way. <3

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  7. Beautiful. In my own difficult time of life, I've been reading Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot. It's been exactly what I needed, and I bet it would bring you some comfort too.

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    1. Thank you Michelle! That might be just what I need! <3

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