Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Rat Crap in the Corner



Our wedding day was four years, two weeks and six days ago. It was one of two best days in my life, which is why I cried like a two year old getting a toy taken away when the cops came at 11:30 and told us to shut it down. Lame neighbors. 

Our friend Dave tried to talk some sense into me. It had been the perfect day, he said. It was sunny, we were at my parent's house, one of our favorite places in the world, I got to rap Empire State of Mind on stage with the band and my family, the food was good, the sunset had a green flash, the water was see-through and I was married to Scott after waiting my whole life to be with him. "All of this and it's like there's a pile of rat crap in the corner over there and that's all you can see," he told me. And when he put it that way it was ridiculous that I was upset over the police making us turn our music off. 

Last week I was besides myself over the unpredictable success of feeding Sprout. Why was breastfeeding sometimes so amazing and other times so torturous. It was becoming a mystery I was obsessing over, laying awake at night thinking about what I ate that day and reviewing the number of feedings, average times and notes I had typed into my iPhone app, missing a chance to sleep that wouldn't come again. I told Scott I didn't feel like myself. I cried when she took a bottle of my milk one morning even though I should have been relieved. Friday afternoon after finally getting clearance to get back in the water after almost six weeks of recovery, I walked down the stairs at my parent's house and jumped in while Scott and Avalon watched. The second I swam under a wave I started crying. It felt so good to feel like I knew what I was doing again. I thought, I have never felt so much like a mermaid. 

When I got out I held Avalon in the shorebreak. I could see she was ok. I could see she was happy. I could see she was blessed to be raised near the ocean. I could see I had been too busy focusing on the rat crap in the corner.


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p.s. after meeting with a lactation consultant I think I might have finally started to figure out my breastfeeding mystery! I'm not going to talk about it here in detail because boys read this site and my former self would have wanted to kick my current self for even mentioning breastfeeding here, but if you want to chat or anything feel free to email me! Also, Sprout has since refused to take a bottle. Any tips? 

6 comments:

  1. Let's chat about breastfeeding. Also, the first time Gracie took a bottle, I cried too. I was relieved but also devastated. She's only ever had two, because I hate pumping and nursing is just easier.

    I totally know what you mean about the feeling of knowing what you're doing again. I felt like that the first few times I cooked and read again. Like I was starting to slowly get my life back.

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    1. crazy to think that nursing would be easier than anything, ha! Yes, we'll chat and thanks for the encouragement Michelle!

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  2. I would have felt the same way if they would have made us shut an awesome night down! Sometimes it's so easy to focus on things that get us down and don't really matter in the long run. I find myself doing that a lot, and I've been trying to just be easy going about everything (which is a lot easier said than done). That is awesome you got to get back in the water and reclaim your mermaid status! Avalon is adorable:)

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  3. What gorgeous photos, especially the one of you in the water holding Avalon, it's beautiful, you are absolutely glowing with happiness. I'm glad breastfeeding is going better for you. As she gets bigger and hungrier you'll probably find it's easier and easier. Try not to lie awake worrying (although I'm always doing exactly that!). It's good to see you both looking so amazingly well. Hugs, CJ xx

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  4. hehe babies are the funniest things huh! My kiddo takes almost any bottle I think purely cause he's hungry haha thats my theory (maybe its wrong) but I figure if he's hungry enough he'll drink from anything and so far its worked.. But dummies, nope its avent or nothing mommy.
    I honestly felt like breastfeeding got sooo much easier after week 6 seriously, I also had serious pain on one side at times but I would just push through and now its really easy. I love your little girls name!! Best advice my mom gave me was to just relax, babies can pick up your stress in your milk (or atleast thats what she believes) and it effects their tummies, green peppers seemed to give my boy tummy ache, also if I ate too much wheat or cheese, and I find too much fruit also hurts him.

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  5. Oh wow, what truth. It's so easy to focus on one small negative instead of taking in the big picture.

    Also, happy (belated) anniversary. And I'm so glad that you are figuring out the breastfeeding thing! And that you are back in the water now! :)

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