Friday, May 15, 2015

Rain and Worry


In February I looked hopefully out our train windows at the grasses turning green, but by mid March record high heat seemed to sip all the color right out of them and almost everything through those windows was yellow by April. It made me think of the water tanks in Catalina and how if you opened one you could probably see the bottom.

On my birthday, after we finished the backyard and planned a baby-shower-luau, it finally poured. Last week new clouds came and did the same thing. I used it as an excuse not to water any of the hanging baskets. I love how sometimes when it pours everything starts to look the same, doughnut shops and clouds, cop cars and bushes, but then when it stops everything looks different.

I am quiet and contemplative today as the rain falls haphazardly. Sometimes my voice even surprises me when I hear it out loud talking to Sprout about ripe avocados and surfing in Mexico. 

When people ask when the baby will be here we respond now with how many weeks are left instead of how many months. I look in the nursery and think about how I want to get storage baskets that will hold baby powder and wipes conveniently next to the changing pad. It's easier to draw my focus in on little things that need to happen instead of bigger things.

Lack of sleep and surfing, hormones, Scott going out of town this weekend and the unfortunate passings of people I love has left me in some sort of fog not unlike the one accumulating outside my windows right now. 

Over vegetarian sushi last night I tell Scott I actually don't understand how not to worry and that even though I will soon join him in drinking a beer and having a few pieces of sushi, I will take on a whole new set of worries about other things like SIDS and choking hazards. 

Life is long and short. 

We feel we have so much control over it and none at all. 

These things I know, but tell me honestly, how do you get past worrying about it all?

I'm hoping some of these wonderful anxieties will clear away with the rain as well as some advice.

10 comments:

  1. Devon! Aww! You are absolutely precious! A breath of fresh air!You have such a pure & beautiful heart! <3 You will be a wonderful & fun mommy! It would be easy for me to suggest oh! do not worry! It is such a natural thing to do when you are about to have a baby for the first time, right? It's hard NOT to worry, but God has your back! HE doesn't make mistakes. Trust God! He loves and trusts you enough to bless you & Scott with Baby Sprout to take care of and raise! :) Do your best and that is all you are supposed to do! <3 ~Wishing & praying all the BEST for you and your new little family! :)
    ~~~ Take Care of yourself.
    love your blogs!

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    1. I told Scott I actually wouldn't feel like I was doing "my job" taking care of Sprout if I wasn't worrying, but sometimes it's just too much I think. Thanks Pearl.

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  2. You're held by all the mothers who've come before you. We've got our arms around you, sister, holding strong <3

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  3. I've been encountering change lately too, although it's quite different from yours (I'm only a college student… no role of parenthood in the near future for me) so I can't speak to that. Regardless though, I relate to this post in some way. Change is a difficult thing and for someone like me, once I think about one thing, it spirals into a million other things that I think about and question, which is never good. In order to be okay with it all, I take a deep breath and it takes some practicing, because I'm mean a deep "let you belly expand like it's a balloon" breath. And I think to myself: be here now… everything's going to be okay...this too shall pass. Because honestly, one thing I've come to realize is that no matter how things pan out, everything works out. You'll be an amazing mom, I'm sure of it.

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    1. I like your strategy and perspective! I got this "fit bit" step counter band for my birthday that also takes my heart rate. I noticed one night (laying awake worrying) that when I take big, deep breaths my heart rate can drop as much as 10 or 15 points! How's that?

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    2. meant to also add, good luck with your big changes and thanks for the advice :)

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  4. I remember the closer my due date got, the more I watched those TLC delivery shows, and constantly looked at all of those SIDS stories. It’s like I couldn't look away, I had to know, which in turn had me completely terrified. I also remember having anxiety about whether I was ready for the responsibility of raising a little human (it was set off by a turtle that accidently died on me which is a story for another time). I will say that after giving birth, those worries eased a bit. But I think that the worrying part is a requirement when it comes to being a mother. So you are good to go! :) My daughter is now five years old and I still worry, though I've gotten better at handling it. But it’s what we do, and I don’t think motherhood would be the same if we didn’t.

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  5. Oh man, if you figure out how to quit worrying about stuff like that, you'll have to let me know. I definitely tend toward the side of worrying so I imagine when I'm a new momma I'll worry a lot. You will do great, though!

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  6. I don't think we'll ever be able to stop worrying. The worries change over time though! I try and think about other things when the anxiety levels get too high. I imagine myself somewhere tranquil, having enjoyable conversations, a green garden, the sea. If you can't do anything about the thing you are worrying about, then the worrying isn't productive, so it doesn't deserve any attention. That's the theory anyway! The percentages of problems are so low, please try not to dwell on the negative. Although it is of course the most natural thing in the world to worry. This is such a wonderful time Devon, you will look back wistfully one day. Do enjoy these days, they are happy ones indeed. CJ xx

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