I got to see you on the doctor's television screen yesterday. I only get to see you once a month at this point, even though I feel you every day now. I look forward to those glimpses like I look forward to those dreams where I'm surfing a spot that's never broken before.
Afterwards your nonny and I went to lunch. I insisted that it was my treat because I'm an adult now and I can do these things. I wonder if you will ever insist on such things with me. I can't really picture you any bigger than a baby with a rapidly beating heart and a super bendy spine.
I have spent a lot of time worrying about you since you've been here with me: Could you get wrapped up in your umbilical chord? Were the stretches I do for my back squishing you? Would you like me?
"No," was the answer to the first two questions. The last one? It's funny to write down, but I feel somehow that I know you love me. Maybe it's because you need me to survive, but I think it's more than that. And when I think about that, it makes me feel superhuman; like I'm all my favorite characters from all my favorite books and movies put together at once, but better. I'm your mom and it's all I've ever wanted.
After lunch, Nonny and I went shopping for you. We bought small, white onesies that made your daddy tear up when he held them. We are so excited to hold you. We feel so lucky to have you.
I asked your daddy what he wanted for his upcoming birthday the other day and he said, "I have everything already," but I'm still considering getting him some violent video games he won't be able to play in front of you.
I put pictures in here from a few of the things that have been happening. This is life lately while you've been growing and we've been waiting and preparing for you-- surfing winter waves under an unusually hot sun, avoiding eye contact with slippery coated seals that appear undaunted and preoccupied, looking at old pictures and taking new pictures of your poppy riding waves, watching your daddy ride big closeouts that would chase him all the way in to the sand if he let them. All of this, and I got a new surfboard to ride with you! It's from INT Softboards and it's super soft. I wonder if you might ride it by yourself one day.
Tomorrow is Valentine's day. I hope you feel really loved, because you really are.
Me, your mom
p.s. this is the Valentine I made for your dad!