I was already thinking early in November how I'd only be writing '2014' a handful of other times. I've never wanted time to speed up before, and thoughts like that would usually make me feel a sense of longing for moments like watching my friends eat hotdogs on the 4th of July at ten at night in San Francisco and celebrating one of the last birthdays of my twenties with my mom and dad in the rain at the outlet mall, but once we found out about our baby I was ok with those things being in the past. They were never going to be anywhere else anyways, so I may as well let them live there in peace. This year, for the first time ever, I wanted time to carry on so I could be six weeks pregnant and then eight and now almost fifteen. It seemed safer for this new little being we're falling in love with if time passed. I'm sure next year I'll be back to longing for things to seem as still and slow as they are capable of being.
The eve of the New Year is often a time when we try to think about what we've done, what else we'd like to do, how else we'd like to be, maybe where else we'd like to be. All I can think about right now is how disastrously messy our garage is and how someway we'll need to convert part of it into a safe dwelling for a baby who we don't even know what we'll call yet. I'm also wondering if having a sip of champagne tonight will put me in just the right state of mind for the ball drop, or send me into an anxiety attack because last week my baby app said something about intestines developing and how delicate and transparent they are. Even when life is about big, amazing things there are still so many little details our minds draw focus to.
With these yearly recaps, and blogging in general, I guess my goal is to try to pay attention to both. Here are some highlights from this year.
February. I had no idea I'd be pregnant by the end of the year, but I was already freaking out about it. I had a girl at the blow-dry bar tell me that maybe my endeavors in skateboarding were some kind of pre-baby life crisis. Scott agreed. I also took some pictures on my train commute where my mind almost always seems to be at ease. Some of you were wondering how to become a sponsored surfer, so I tried to answer that as best I could.
March. The sun doesn't stick around for long during the winter, so I think it tries to show off while it's here because winter sunsets are the best ones of the year. I wrote something about being afraid of babies and writing books and made a little surf movie showcasing some of the abnormally warm weather we had for this time of year.
June. After 23 years of school, Scott had his last day. He gave a speech to a hundred 5th graders while his mom and I cried all over our programs. Looking back, it might seem planned that Scott quit his job right before we started a family, but that would all just be how it seemed. In reality, he was ready to move on from teaching P.E., and even though I was panicking on-the-daily about the big life changes a baby would bring, I was starting to be ready too. I tried to let the words "How wild it was just to let it be" from the book Wild stay in my head every day.
September. We visited downtown San Diego with Scott's mom and dad and had a visit from his sister, too. I found out some sad news about the health of some of our family and friends. I try not to think of life as fair or not, but just as 'it is what it is' and we aren't supposed to have answers to all of our hows and whys yet; but even then, I still took long walks at night to sort through some of the anger, fear and vulnerability I felt.
October. More thoughts on writing and the death of two loved ones came just as we found out we were going to be parents. I started a new series called Foreign Food Friday, right before morning sickness set in and I only ate yogurt.
December. Sprout came on board, I wrote some letters to him or her and now here I am, doing this recap.
Sometimes, when I look back on it all, my mind goes straight to all the things I'd like to do differently next year.
I guess at the end of it all, it's just like I said in the beginning: Life is good because of big, amazing things like sleeping outside in the forest in Oregon, starting new careers, saying goodbye to loved ones, raising babies, and also because of ridiculous little things like trying to learn how the heck to cut a bagel evenly down the middle. I think life is good because you want more. Happy New Year!