Wednesday, August 6, 2014

When your ego gets out of control.


Lately I have been thinking things I don't want to think. I picture shaking myself upside down so I can dump all these thoughts out on the ground. But that's not exactly how it works. I'm a cry it out, surf it away, write it down kind of person. So here's the writing part...

I think my ego has gotten out of control. 

I really, really need to finally read that book by Eckhart Tolle addressing this problem. I started listening to it on tape on a bus trip in New Zealand seven years ago because I thought it would be easier than reading it, but then I fell asleep and never tried again. 

In an article I just read online Tolle says "Vanity and pride are what most of us tend to think of when we think of ego, but ego is much more than an overinflated sense of self. It can also turn up in feelings of inferiority or self-hatred because ego is any image you have of yourself that gives you a sense of identity -- and that identity derives from the things you tell yourself and the things other people have been saying about you that you've decided to accept as truth."

The other day I was pissed because I saw a four year old on instagram drop in on a bigger ramp than I can with my skateboard. Last week I told my mom I was worried people would be critical of my parenting skills to a baby that hasn't even been conceived yet. Scott's new job is working for my dad (something I do one day a week, too). Today they are out in the field together exploring behind the scenes aspects of the business. I am extremely happy for Scott. I also started wondering while I was microwaving lima beans if my dad likes hanging out with him more than me.

Someone needs to get ahold of me! Unfortunately, the only person who can do that is me.

I really do need to read the rest of that Eckhart Tolle book.

My mom says that being human sometimes involves thinking bad things, but you have to try to choose to think the good things. 

I have good things in my mind.... I love this weather! It's hot and my back is stuck via sweat to this leather computer chair, but it is so summery. And there's a warm breeze, which makes me think the wind is in a good mood. 

The bad thoughts come from things that have happened to me in life. Things like this happen to everybody and even if they happen when we are only six years old and think we are stupid because it takes us a longer time to learn to read, they can still stay with us. The bad thoughts stalk us and can jump out when we are trying to enjoy a family vacation or make breakfast. 

One thing I know is that someone lives in me. She is excited and curious and determined and loving, but sometimes she thinks she looks bad in her bathing suit, and that her instagram account is lame and that she isn't as loved as she obviously is by her family and friends. She is bat-shit crazy! And sometimes she chooses the bad thoughts over the good ones.

And so, she needs to get a grip on the ego inside of her skin, and leave those thoughts on the ground. She needs to focus on being a good person, not the best person. She needs to listen to her mother and focus on the good. 

12 comments:

  1. You have great self-awareness Devon, and because of that I know you'll be fine. You can see where you might be out of balance and you are strong enough to work to rectify it. I hope you're able to work through this period of doubt soon, you're an amazing person, strong, beautiful, intelligent and loved. Keep practising on that skateboard, I know you can thrash that four year old. Sending you a big cheery hug, CJ xx

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    1. Thank you so much CJ. The comment about the 4-year-old made me laugh :)

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  2. I was thinking similar things the other day when i came across this verse (sorry if its over sharing)! :
    Ephesians 2:10
    10 For we are God’s [own] handiwork (His workmanship), [a]recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live].

    Then just below it their was this quote and it really spoke to me, maybe it will speak to you as well!

    "No other person has he exact makeup, in terms of personality and gifts and abilities, that you do, and God has placed you in a particular setting in terms of culture and background and education in order to use you in that setting for His purposes. There are specific good works that He has ordained for you to do."

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    1. Hi Kayla. I don't have any problems with over-sharing (as is this post maybe shows ;). I really like the last quote. I think in rectifying this whole ego imbalance I hope to become more confident in who I am and what I am here for. Thank you for sharing.

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    2. No one else can do what you do exactly how you do it. You're one of a kind! I get the feeling though, its not easy to embrace. You're amazing though, so I think you should rock who you are. :)

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    3. :) thank you! you are very sweet!

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  3. Thank you for sharing! This is so so so similar to what I am experiencing today. So glad you posted this and the link to that Tolle article on Ego, I needed it.... I don't even know you, but I think you're a fantastic writer, and I love following your blog! Keep doing you, girl.

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    1. Hi Ashley. Glad you got to check out the article. I can't wait to get into the book. What a sweet comment. Thank you so much! :)

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  4. You said it sister. Part of being human? Part of the process? Hugs and also, I recco anything by Gabby Bernstein...Spirit Junkie & May Cause Miracles are all about the ego and its healthy vs. totally psycho status.

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    1. Thanks for the recommendations Deirdre! I definitely want to explore this subject more in the coming months, so I really appreciate them.

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  5. I find saying a mantra and daily affirmations while I shower in the morning seems to help me be less hard on myself and have a more positive attitude.

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  6. I totally hear you on this one. It can be really overwhelming at times! Like it's out of my control. And it kind of is- you can't control what thoughts enter your head- but you can control what thoughts you take seriously and allow to stick around.

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