I think my ego has gotten out of control.
I really, really need to finally read that book by Eckhart Tolle addressing this problem. I started listening to it on tape on a bus trip in New Zealand seven years ago because I thought it would be easier than reading it, but then I fell asleep and never tried again.
In an article I just read online Tolle says "Vanity and pride are what most of us tend to think of when we think of ego, but ego is much more than an overinflated sense of self. It can also turn up in feelings of inferiority or self-hatred because ego is any image you have of yourself that gives you a sense of identity -- and that identity derives from the things you tell yourself and the things other people have been saying about you that you've decided to accept as truth."
The other day I was pissed because I saw a four year old on instagram drop in on a bigger ramp than I can with my skateboard. Last week I told my mom I was worried people would be critical of my parenting skills to a baby that hasn't even been conceived yet. Scott's new job is working for my dad (something I do one day a week, too). Today they are out in the field together exploring behind the scenes aspects of the business. I am extremely happy for Scott. I also started wondering while I was microwaving lima beans if my dad likes hanging out with him more than me.
Someone needs to get ahold of me! Unfortunately, the only person who can do that is me.
I really do need to read the rest of that Eckhart Tolle book.
My mom says that being human sometimes involves thinking bad things, but you have to try to choose to think the good things.
I have good things in my mind.... I love this weather! It's hot and my back is stuck via sweat to this leather computer chair, but it is so summery. And there's a warm breeze, which makes me think the wind is in a good mood.
The bad thoughts come from things that have happened to me in life. Things like this happen to everybody and even if they happen when we are only six years old and think we are stupid because it takes us a longer time to learn to read, they can still stay with us. The bad thoughts stalk us and can jump out when we are trying to enjoy a family vacation or make breakfast.
One thing I know is that someone lives in me. She is excited and curious and determined and loving, but sometimes she thinks she looks bad in her bathing suit, and that her instagram account is lame and that she isn't as loved as she obviously is by her family and friends. She is bat-shit crazy! And sometimes she chooses the bad thoughts over the good ones.
And so, she needs to get a grip on the ego inside of her skin, and leave those thoughts on the ground. She needs to focus on being a good person, not the best person. She needs to listen to her mother and focus on the good.