Friday, August 29, 2014

Hurricane Marie



I like writing in my journal everyday if only to physically record the date. Putting it down in pencil with my hand makes it seem more like that day is actually happening and that time isn't counting away without me knowing it.

Today, 8/28/14, the morning air is cool. The sun will chase it away soon, but it makes me feel like fall is creeping in, slowly swallowing the summer from the bottom up. 

I drive the coast looking for waves. They're everywhere today, it's just about finding the spot for me. My car has been at the train station the last few days because of a bunch of boring details related to me and Scott getting to work on different days at different times. Before he dropped me off, Scott asked me where I thought I'd surf this morning, since I was out and about now at 6 a.m. with so many options. "Probably at home," I told him and it was true.

When I get to my parent's backyard Kevin is sitting with a towel around his shoulders waiting for Kelly. We talk and stretch and then she arrives, suiting up quickly and waxing her yellow board next to him. I linger and stretch and watch the waves some more. As I descend the stairs to the beach, I can't hear my footsteps over the sound of the waves.

There's a mist hovering about the bluff that makes me feel a little like I'm in a dream. The air, quickly becoming thicker, and the warm water combined with a large swell reminiscent of winter makes it seem that way too.

I paddle out right when a set pours in, but the current pushes me to the spot I'd like to be. There's another guy next to me. I recognize him, but I don't know his name. We both wait anxiously, nervously to see if we're in the right spot for the sets. He takes a few waves right away even though I'm closest to the peak. When I take one, I'm a little late and as the white wash hits me in the back, the nose of my board catches and I tumble over the front. Now I'm determined instead of nervous, which is a more familiar feeling.

I make the next drop and carve around on the wave's big face. Backside cutbacks feel like slicing butter with your feet. I hit the lip on a sucky section. I think I have it, but then my tail releases on the landing and the wave rips my left shoulder around as I grab it for support. I'm glad I hit my arm on the way down though, just to know that I did everything I could to make it. 

I recognize the ocean again now. I'm tempted to say I recognize my ocean again, but I know it's not mine. 

For what seems like most of my life at this point, surfing has been one of my main focuses. But I'm scared lately that I'm coming to the end of that. That in the next season of my life I will focus on family and kids, my kids maybe, and I'll be different. 

My friend Stephanie just had a baby. But she had a dog first. She told me she was really worried that she wouldn't be able to give the dog the same attention after the baby was born. I don't have a dog or a baby, so I don't know how it would feel to try to love both, but I think I understand why she was worried. I think I'm worried I won't be able to love surfing the same when I'm loving so many other things so much. 

But today, out here, I can feel that being a surfer isn't something that goes away. It's a part of who I am, and I know it's actually a bunch of work trying to be someone you're not. So I don't think I'm as scared anymore, wondering about surfing being in my life.

12 comments:

  1. I once read a blog post and the blogger said they were worried about having a second child, about loving the new child as much as the first, but she soon realised that there is no limit to the love we can feel. I think this applies here; yes, we change and our priorities change but just because you don't do something daily, or even see a person every day, doesn't mean you love them/it any less and actually it makes it sweeter when you do see them, or when you do find time in a hectic schedule of work, family and kids, to do something you loved before life changed. I think humans are actually very flexible and adaptable so I have every confidence that you'll find a new way, a new way that makes you equally as happy, and, you'll probably wonder how life was every any different :) good luck, Devon. Hugs, as always xx

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    1. "you'll probably wonder how life was every any different :)" yes, I hope you're right (and I think you are. you are smart :) . Thank you Laura.

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  2. It is interesting to look back to years past and see what was so important to us then and how that's changed. I was thinking last night about how I feel ready (at least more ready than I have been) for the next phase of my life. But I don't think those things that matter so much to me now will completely go away. In fact, feeling that I'm ready to move on is only because I've been thinking about how I can incorporate my past loves into my new loves. I fight so much against change, because I feel like I'll have to give up what I love. I think it's about finding what works for you, though. The only surf lesson I took was in South Padre. It was taught by a husband and wife, and they had 2 little kids. They came to the beach with their kids and put a big play pen up to keep them safe from getting in the water, but also able to play in the sand. I remember thinking how great that they married their passion with a family. So often I think of what I'll have to give up, not what I'll gain. You will always be a surfer, and I can just see you surfing those waves while your little one plays in the sand:) Thanks for writing this, Devon. Your writing always makes me think and always makes me smile:) Have a great weekend, friend!

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    1. I totally know what you mean about feeling more ready lately. Like I actually might want a change (this never happens). Thank you for sharing that story about the family in Texas. I loved hearing it and it brought me comfort. Thank you Kari, you are a good friend. "So often I think of what I'll have to give up, not what I'll gain." This is true for me too. I need to work on that. Thanks for reminding me.

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  3. Woke up to check the surf this morning and it was semi crossed up and so my laziness took over and I decided not to paddle out. But since I was already up, I decided to let Ash sleep and hop online for some news and reading. So glad I did not surf; I may not have read this article otherwise.
    Between this one and the "Ego" article; you have me thinking about all sorts of positive things, while reflecting on negative ones. It is so easy to focus on negatives; like specific times when you know your ego got out of control, or worrying about how much love you have to give and whether or not you are giving it abundantly to those who matter. But even in the simple fact of thinking about those things; your heart is in the right place. Being worried about about those negatives; is an incredible positive attribute about you and anyone else experiencing the same thing. It shows how much you care and how your mind works to bring about what your heart feels. Keep worrying about these things; it's what makes you the loveable you, you are.

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    1. Cort, this means so much. Thank you. You are such a good person and a good friend. Thank you for taking any time to stop over here! And thank you for being you too :)

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  4. I know just where your at! My photography has been my passion for the better half of 25-30yrs of my life. When my kids entered my life I wasn't sure just how that would change. I can honestly say though that after ten years with children it's still just as strong a passion. For a short season in my life I know that I won't be able to focus as much on that passion! Now I just look at it as having two passions my kids and my photography!

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    1. Thanks for sharing this with me Ross. It's really helpful to hear how you've managed to have both passions. I hope you've been doing well!

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  5. A lovely post Devon, it's good that you recognise where you are in your journey. I'm glad you're enjoying the surf so much. Things change, they always do, but I know you will adjust in time. There's no need to ever leave surfing. It might not always be top of the list, but it will always be there, waiting for you. Who knows, maybe one day you might be paddling out to meet those waves with someone you would give your life for paddling by your side. CJ xx

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    1. "Who knows, maybe one day you might be paddling out to meet those waves with someone you would give your life for paddling by your side. "...totally made me cry :). Thank you CJ. Things do change, we just have to accept that. But change can be for the better, especially if you have an open mind. Have a great weekend! xx

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  6. Your writing makes me feel like your sat in front of me with a cup of tea chatting about life, I love how personable you are and honest. I think you really hit the nail on the head with this post highlighting the many different sides of being a woman- wife, mother, carer, surfer, artist and how they interweave. Its hard juggling but not impossible so I really loved the positive affirmation at the end of your post. Keep writing! xxx

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    1. Thank you so much Sophia. Being a woman does involve so many layers. I like how you mentioned that they can be interwoven.

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