Friday, August 2, 2013

Seeking Summer

     
     Truth is, I told Scott right before we left that I figured I've been having a mild anxiety attack ever since we got back from our trip. And when I put these things down in writing, I really realize how dramatic I can be. It's just, we've been busy. Good busy. Friends and family and special occasions and traveling kind of busy, but busy nevertheless. Even most of my surf sessions have been so crowded that I start wondering while I'm out there if the ocean actually has a maximum capacity. The control I like to think I have over myself slowly slips away when I don't get some time to myself. 

     In fact, I think I was in what I call Everybody Leave Me Alone Mode before we even left for the lake. That's never a good state to be in before a family vacation now, is it?
    
     After the U.S. Open, which is a cluster cuss if I ever saw one, we drove to Lake Nacimiento. On our way there I had to stop at the store to pick up some women's essentials. My father-in-law ran in to the store to buy something too. As luck would have it, he was buying a can of Parmesan cheese right at the same time I was buying tampons, but his line was faster because some dummy in front of me couldn't find his credit card (sorry it was that time of the month!). So my father-in-law waited for me to buy tampons. Just what every girl wants to endure. But, you know, it's life and it was pretty sweet of him, really. Maybe he didn't even know that's what I was doing, but now he will since he reads this blog (I know, that's pretty sweet too).

     After some wakeboarding and a nice dinner, I woke the next morning at 4:30 a.m. because it was hot in my sleeping bag, but cold on my shoulders and my thoughts wouldn't let me go back to sleep again. I finally I got up at five and sought what I needed. I went on an adventure alone while everyone was sleeping. And of course after I wandered through the lakeside neighborhood and found myself standing on a cliff watching the sun slowly arrive over the hills, I missed my Scott and wished he was there to see it, but in so many other ways this was exactly what my summer was lacking. 

     I've always been so independent, relating most to movie characters like Harriet the Spy, Matilda and Vada from My Girl and I need time to explore the world on my own almost as much as I need time discovering it with other people. I needed to take risks (there were coyotes!) and write in my journal and find my way on my own, just like that summer I duct taped a tape player to my bike like the girls from Now and Then and rode to Subway (and now you have a complete list of my favorite childhood movies). 

     The sunrise was gorgeous; like nothing I've ever seen by the ocean. The blazing sun swallowing the cool low clouds to shed light on the mourning doves and oak trees; pushing the dew from the rooftops to the rain gutters (and hopefully scaring away the coyotes). But even that wasn't the point either. It wasn't really about what I found while I was on this solo mission, it was just that I had one. I needed to rekindle that part of summer I had let lay dormant thus far, to release that "mild anxiety", but at least this time I had Scott to come home to.

7 comments:

  1. I feel you 100% about needing alone time. I am the same way. Granted I'm an only child so I am used to being on my own, independent and used to only relying on myself for entertainment and support.

    Getting married made this a bit different for me. Mike and I have lived together since the first 6 months of dating we've been together 8 years now, and married almost two. He's very independent too (he's the oldest of his siblings growing up with only one older sister who didn't live at home with them). So we sort of both need our space at times.

    I think it's great that your hubby understands and hopefully your family does too. You just need time to breathe and time to yourself to reset for the next adventure :) that's all.

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  2. Fully agree. I'm an extrovert, sort of, but I need alone time. I was raised as an only girl and kind of an only child (my brothers are 10 years older than me). I need my me time as much as I can have it. Fo sho.

    It's not that I don't appreciate good friends, good family, or my great husband, it's just I need me time so I can appreciate them more.

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  3. I understand what you mean. I sometimes just need some peace and quiet and for everything to be organised and in order. Otherwise I start feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I think I must be quiet and sensitive! Hope you have a peaceful weekend with some "you" time. I can tell from your writing that you need time to contemplate things. Your blog has a deep and considered nature to it, and I do so enjoy reading your posts.

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  4. I completely understand about needing "me" time. Whenever we go on a trip or see family, my husband can always tell when I need some alone time. Without it, I am just really crabby with everyone. Couple no "me" time with being hungry and tired, and you have a terrible combination:) That's why I usually carry snacks wherever I go. That's great that Scott recognizes what makes you tick and you were able to get away for a little while. It makes going back and joining the group so much better. p.s. that sounds terrible about having to buy lady products in front of your father-in-law. I can't imagine! I hate even the check out guy seeing them. I always try to buy something else like a shirt or towel and cover the box up, and then look away when the cashier sees what's underneath:)

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  5. Sounds like you were having a difficult time always being around others with no time to step back and examine your life, to just be in your head. That's why I personally dislike family trips and vacations like that one, because alone time is so much harder to find. The little adventure you went on at sunrise sounds sublime!

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  6. I completely get this need, I come from a big family and I also find when it gets too much I just need to be able to escape. I love chatting to people, but I love quiet and peace as much:) and I LOVED Now and Then growing up, I must have watched that movie 100times!;)

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  7. I totally hear you. I'm the exact same way and you described everything perfectly. So glad you got your "me" time, with a little adventure infused as well.

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