Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Just Remember, it Ends with Deja Vu

     
     I'm looking over the cuts I gained from this trip as Catalina fades into the fog and the trail of our boat wake, once a liquid line connecting us to her, begins to dissolve. There's one on my right index finger from bashing it into the metal weight on our stern line when I was climbing it down into the ocean to see how far I could go with both my breath and my bravery. The other is from nicking my left pinkie on the railing as I was pulling the dinghy up to the big boat. I used to be much more skittish about driving that dinghy, but I think I have found my confidence in it for now. At least you don't have any blind spots. 
     
     There are fortunately no other injuries (besides my broken finger from about five weeks ago). Especially not the emotional kind. The reason for this isn't because there wasn't any pain or arguing on this trip. There was. You see, my sister and I got in a fight on day two; right in the morning, right after breakfast when I still had raspberries on my plate I was gonna eat. Which sister it was isn't really important because I have fought with each of them about different things throughout our lives together. Over beanie babies and bitty babies and attention and copycating and differences of opinion. One time Danielle and I even fought over a cowboy at wilderness camp. He wasn't into either of us. He was 23, she was 14 and I was a 17 year old wearing Osh Kosh overalls...

None of this really matters either. 

     I learned something about fighting on this trip, something I might have always known, but not in a real confident kind of way. And not what you might think: that it isn't healthy or it isn't appropriate (which is maybe what I've thought at times). But that I fight with the people who are worth it to me. I fight with them because they matter and we mutually want our relationship to grow. It's not often and it's not ongoing, which is good, because if that was the case I might think we need therapy. But when they come, those fights that at first feel like heartburn, being caught in the rain and getting yelled at on your birthday eventually bring us closer. I am fighting with my sister so we can be better friends. I am fighting internally with myself to be a better version. 

     Something about admitting you argue with people feels embarrassing, like there is something wrong with you, but it's impossible to get along all the time and there is something wrong with everybody. I think we should all probably just get over feeling ashamed of it. It's important to fight for what matters: people, relationships, love, growth. 

     Maybe this epiphany I seem to have finally had, or at least finally written down, isn't really all that groundbreaking. I'm pretty sure that's the case, but it feels like a pretty big deal in my mind. Like that time I realized I wasn't a weird person just because I was an introvert.

     It's freeing to admit that I argue with the people I love because I am fighting for them. 

   My sister and I hugged when we were finally back to understanding one another again and joined the group playing Scattergories in the salon. While I was sitting there with my tiny pencil in my hand, I had this intense feeling that I had already experienced this moment. Like one of those flashback scenes from a movie. Scott always tells me that deja vu means you're on the right path.




What are your thoughts on arguing? Do you do it, avoid it, embrace it, feel bad...?

12 comments:

  1. arguing...when it comes to someone who know me best, i embrace it. isn't that what makes the relationship goes on? get to know each other more? i think it depends on the matter and the person for me. haha

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  2. beautiful photos! the sparkly water one is surreal. I am with you on arguments...they always make me feel terrible and awkward and ashamed. Yet as you noted, I've realized that when they're with the people that matter most to me, our relationship only grows stronger with each fight. And as my relationships grow older and stronger, we tend to argue less in general, reserving the energy for those things that truly need some attention, at which point it's worth it to give the issue some time. thank you so much for the honesty and analysis you've put into these posts, it's very refreshing!

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    1. I like how you put it: as relationships grow stronger and older arguments lessen and are reserved for the important stuff. Yes. We can only hope! Thanks for the sweet note Allie.

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  3. i always look forward to seeing your posts on here.
    it's easy to live vicariously through people.
    You are One Blessed Girl.

    Your trips to all these amazing places, your experiences, your surfing, the people you are in contact with...
    it's all so genuine.
    and refreshing ;)

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    1. I don't know how to make a blushing emoji, but you should know I am blushing. Thank you! I've been having one of those weeks where I'm hating on my writing so thanks for taking some time to make me feel good :)

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  4. What beautiful photos, and such a lovely post. I do wish there were cowboys here in England. I would quite like to live a life with no arguing, it always makes me feel so horrible. But you are right, it is healthy to argue a little. So long as the bad feeling doesn't last.

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  5. Wow this place looks amazing! We're verging on Summer ( I don't feel like we have inbetween seasons, just summer and winter, hot and cold) so all these photos are getting me excited:)

    Fighting- hmm, I have an older brother who is 3 years older, a little brother 7 years younger and a sister 10 years younger. When I moved out we stopped bikkering and now we mostly tease each other:) Everyone one in my family shouts so conversations could be mistaken for arguments but it usually means things are resolved quickly:) I hate fighting too, lately I try to skip over the anger and just say exactly what I'm feeling.. Are you the oldest sister?

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  6. Beautifully written! I've always wished I had sisters rather than brothers to argue with.

    The photos are amazing...One day, I too will be vacationing in Catalina. Such a wondrous place from what I've seen.

    -Chymere Anais
    www.chymere-anais.blogspot.com

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  7. I laughed so hard about the part where you said "a 17 year old wearing Osh Kosh overalls". I can totally relate to that:) I can also relate to what you said about fighting with people who are worth it to you. I'm a pretty easy going person and hate fighting with most people. But with those I hold dear, I find I'm more quick to argue about something they said or how they said it to make sure they know they hurt my feelings or that I don't agree with them. They are the people I feel most comfortable with, and the people that I can share how I really feel about something without fearing that they won't like me tomorrow for it. I remember I huge fight I got in with my sister on her birthday when she got pissed at me for not holding her purse. She called me a baby, and we fought all night. We were more upset because we thought we had ruined everything. We were so silly, though. It was a stupid fight, but one she could pick with me because she was stressed about what her other friends were doing. She got to vent and not hold everything in, and I realized I probably was acting like a baby. More importantly, though, I realized that the next day we were still ok. You're right when you say everyone argues. Having people you can argue with means that you have really close friends and family who love you. Loved this post, Devon, and loved the ending about the deja vu and Scott saying that means you're on the right path. I completely agree with that:)

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  8. What a beautiful concept to embrace arguing. It's such a positive way to look at something that at times can be so nasty and unnecessary. I don't have any brothers or sisters, but my Dad's sister (my aunt) is 8 years older than me and we grew up like sisters. Well....we fight like sisters. The past few years I've noticed that we don't fight as often...maybe we've gotten older and wiser. In the past, when we have argued, it's not pleasant and often times regretful. The problem in my family is that we "let it fly" and I am horrible about saying things without thinking. The next morning (or sometimes later that evening) we always say we are sorry and I know that I always take something away from the fighting (and of course vow to hold my tongue better the next time). I guess what this means is that my family is worth the fight and worth fighting for and with. I never thought of it this way before. Thanks for sharing! Oh, by the way....we leave for Maui in 9 days and I am NOT blogging while I am there...I am going to live in the moment and journal. Brian wants to snorkel at Honolua Bay so I shared your posts with him. This time of year there are more snorkelers than surfers.
    Stacy

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  9. A slightly late comment re deja vus: I once asked one of my meditation/chanting teachers (I do a lot of yoga and have lots of stories about stuff like that) about deja vus, and she said that in our dreams we travel in time - past, future - and that deja vus are a memory of something we've seen in our dreams. In a way, an indication that we're meant to be right here, right there. Pretty similar to Scott's explanation, actually. It might sound very new age but I think it's a very sweet way of looking at it. :)

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  10. I like to think only conflict can bring resolution. Kind of like how your muscles get little tears in them when you work out so they can become stronger. Only with relationships instead. That being said, I believe there are healthy ways to fight which are actually constructive and not all fighting is this type.

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