Thursday, December 13, 2012

Finding My Way

    
I was having a bad day yesterday. In fact, I was having an off week. Most of the time following my dreams to do this writing and surfing thing makes me feel like I've done what I've always meant to; march to the beat of my own drum, absorb the good and discard the useless parts of criticisms and stay the course, my course, the only one that feels right for me. Other times, I am distracted by the achievements of others around me: cousin James going to Harvard, the guy in the seat behind me on the plane two years my junior headed off to Budapest on a "journalistic assignment", people mentioning their six figure salaries. In these moments of weakness I allow myself to become self-conscious and hyper-critical of what I'm doing. I begin asking myself "Why didn't I go get my masters?" or "Why didn't I major in something really fascinating like cinematography?", "Have I really done everything I could do to continue the fruition of my dream?"

     Some days, Roxy clothes and wetsuits come in the mail and I nearly jump out of my skin and through the ceiling of our one story house with excitement. Other days, a magazine I've submitted an article for arrives and I realize, after flipping through all the pages three times, that my work has been left on the chopping block somewhere. Then I lay awake at night thinking ridiculous things like "I think I need to get more followers on twitter", even though I'm not even sure that's what I want or what I'd do with them. And other deeper concerns like "Am I lazy? Am I naive? Foolish?" 

     And then the next day I wake up and anxiety seems to fill my lungs and leap and jump and crawl into my throat until it comes out in sentences to my husband like "Can you film me surf tonight? Please. I have to finish that film!" And then he takes me to the beach when he gets home from work fifteen minutes before sunset because he loves me and so I can feel like I'm working towards something worth while.

     I paddle out to the lineup in dark waters the night has already begun to kiss, letting all those worries and doubts drip off into them. A wave comes to me. Another man closer to the peak begins to paddle too, but I know he won't get it, so I put my head down and and dig my arms into the sea until the wave is mine. I drop down onto its indigo face with only things that matter in my mind. It's dark and I can barely see, but this path is one I know. I find my way from its bottom to its top. The wave stays open and I know exactly what to do. 
And I am reminded again of what I know-
This is the path.
Stay the course.
And even in the dark I know my way. 

18 comments:

  1. I can totally relate ... It's so easy to define what success is based on what other people achieve and feel insecure because you're not quite there. I've finally figured out what success means to me and I'm slowly working towards it one step at a time ... "Stay The Course..." You got it! xo

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  2. "I am not sure exactly what heaven will be like, but I know that when we die and it comes time for God to judge us, he will not ask,
    'How many good things have you done in your life?'
    rather he will ask,
    'How much love did you put into what you did?" -Mother Teresa

    Devin, continue to follow your LOVE and the rest will come to you!
    Stacy and Brian

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  3. Devon,

    And next time, we promise to spell your name right!
    S & B

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  4. I felt like that last week. I keep thinking about all the things I want to do, or what I could have done. But I forget the amazing things I do have or that I have been able to do, and that I have a whole future in front of me, and that in this moment I am happy, and that's where I try to live, no matter where I am or what I'm doing.

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  5. You are absolutely on the right path.

    No matter what it is we do, it can be difficult to see the full picture of "the other side." Nine-to-fivers wish they had a creative life. Artists wish they had a stable income. Business travelers wish they could spend more time in one place and be with family. SAHMs get cabin fever or wonder what else is out in the world for them. Every occupation has its ups, downs, benefits, and obstacles. Always choose what is in your heart!

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  6. found this via my friends at Magical Go-Go and Pom Pom. keep up the good work. nice words and nice images.

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  7. Ugh... twitter followers... thats the last thing anyone needs to be worrying about. You write beautifully. You are beuatiful. And I love that you have Scott. How nice that he filmed you after he got off of work. And how nice that you need something so relaxing (for you at least) as evening was starting. You, lady, are always inspirational to me!

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  8. Hang in there! As long as you are dong what you love, it will be worth it

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  9. Girl, I have the same thoughts with my photography business all the time! Am I enough? Am I working hard enough? Am I lazy? ALL THE TIME. But truly, all we can do is our best & that's all we're supposed to do. I know you're doing your best and so am I!

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  10. I really admire you Devon. It's so hard not to compare with others, but you are doing what you love and following your heart and that is what's most important in my opinion! I'm a big fan! :)

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  11. I think you are brave to choose your passion over money career. I would loved to do that, I wasn't allowed by my parents. I was forced to choose a career in something i was good at but wasn't my passion. Even with my so called career, i'm not the successfull one who has huge salary, never will be. I will be always working just to make enough money to finance my passions in life, nothing more.

    Don't compare yourself to others, they are propably fullfilling their dreams too, just like you! Hugs from France Sini

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  12. You are a beautiful writer and a beautiful soul. It takes courage to follow the road less traveled, but I have no doubt that you'll be successful--whatever that looks like to you.

    Xoxo,
    Em

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  13. I love how honestly you write, the mermaid chronicles has become so a part of my routine as your writing reassures me we all have the same fears!

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  14. Love this post Devon. I think that you've captured so many of the thoughts and insecurities that all of us encounter. As others have said, you are a beautiful writer and so inspiring that you are pursuing your passion and carving your own path and your own journey.

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  15. This is beautiful Devon. One of my favorite posts you've written.

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  16. Absolutely beautiful entry. I have tears in my eyes. You're a very inspiring person, so thank you for sharing.

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  17. "This is the path.
    Stay the course.
    And even in the dark I know my way."

    I can't even express my love for those words. Beautiful.

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  18. Just found your blog through another and I love it - this post in particular is so beautiful and visceral. Keep on living your dream and I'm sure it will all work out!
    -Amy

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